


Separation of Buck and family

by FoolishAngel1987



Series: Running away to come back [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, no comfort, sad buck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23654356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: It didn’t hit him after a fight or an argument. It didn’t hit him in the months of his calls and texts going unanswered. It didn’t hit him when he was excluded from team activities.No, it hit him when he saw them all together in front of him, laughing and joking with each other - acting like a family. While he stood separate from them, no longer apart of it all. No longer a part of that family.That’s when he knew it was all over..
Series: Running away to come back [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1715962
Comments: 68
Kudos: 313
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Separation of Buck and family

It didn’t hit him after a fight or an argument. It didn’t hit him in the months of his calls and texts going unanswered. It didn’t hit him when he was excluded from team activities.

No, it hit him when he saw them all together in front of him, laughing and joking with each other - acting like a family. While he stood separate from them, no longer apart of it all. No longer a part of that family.

That’s when he knew it was all over..

5 minutes before...

Buck had sat in his car in the parking lot outside the firehouse, trying and failing to eat the little bit of food he had brought with him. Everyone else was upstairs eating the dinner that Bobby had prepared, everyone except for him. Buck knew enough by now that if he had tried to sit down with them that he would have been met with glares like he had been for months. Even if he didn’t say a word and just sat there, the silence would have been awkward and settled over them like a black cloud for the rest of the shift. So he had high tailed it for his Jeep when it came time to eat and as he walked out, he still held on to that tiny flame of hope in his chest that today would be the day that one of them would turn and call after him, asking him to stay. 

But none of them did. They never did. Not even Chim or Hen, who at least tried to give him a smile whenever they saw him. He didn’t blame them for not completely welcoming him back, why risk being ostracized by the rest of the 118 by talking to the pariah.

Buck sighed and leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. He thought about calling his sister, but what was he going to say? That in the two months since he dropped the lawsuit, his team still hasn’t forgiven him and he was still being treated like crap? Still being made to do all the most menial chores, still being left behind while everyone got to rush out on calls, not being invited to team events or even for a meal once in a while? No he couldn’t have that conversation with Maddie again. Not just because he knew he wouldn’t feel better after it was over, but because he knew his sister loved him and would go off on everyone- including Chim, for their treatment of him and he didn’t want that for her. He didn’t want to rock the boat of her relationship with Chim and make things weird for them. Chim was the best thing to happen to his sister and Buck would never ruin that for her.

Even if he felt like he was starting to drown as the days went on and he grew further from his former family.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He knew it was going to take time for them to forgive him after what he had done and he was willing to put up with the chores and being held back by Bobby because he knew his actions had hurt them all. He thought if he did everything that was assigned to him then maybe they would see that he was serious about getting back to them and more importantly that he was sorry that in him doing what he thought was right- that he had wounded them. Even when he went home with bruises and exhaustion tugging at his limbs shift after shift, it made no difference, they still remained distant and still shut him out.

Seeing the hurt and betrayal in Eddie’s eyes was the worst of all. It felt like an ice pick stabbing him in the chest when he saw how much the man he loved was hurting because of him. And when Eddie was feeling hurt, he lashed out.

Eddie knew exactly how to hurt Buck in the ways he knew would sting the most. Ignoring the calls, refusing to read the text messages. When they were changing in the locker room and Buck tried to start up a conversation, he would be met with silence. When Eddie walked by him instead of their shoulders brushing against each other, Eddie made sure there was a little extra force behind it, enough to cause Buck to stumble. Buck never complained, thinking that maybe if he just took it, then Eddie would get it out of his system and things could return to normal.

But then Eddie started cutting off more and more of Buck’s contact with Chris. First just limiting their visits and then escalating to no visits and cutting short phone and video calls until those were gone too. Buck never understood what it meant when people said they felt like they were missing a limb when they lost something, now he got it completely.

2 months and no sign of improvement. Most people would have given up but he couldn’t quite do that yet. There was just the smallest part of them that held on, hoping that today would end differently then all the other days.

When he left his Jeep and headed back towards the firehouse, Buck tried to school his features into something relaxed and he almost managed it as he stepped through the doorway. He could hear the commotion of the other voices in the loft area and as he climbed the stairs, he told himself that today he was going to sit there with them and participate. It had to happen, no mater how uncomfortable it felt. They were his family, he had to fix things.

Maybe inserting himself back into the ranks would be what helped moved things along. Maybe this is what he had needed to do all along.

“Hey guys”. He called out as they came into view, still at the table with half empty plates. “How’s the meal?”

He was ignored. At first he thought they didn’t hear him and was preparing himself to say something more when he stopped himself. Eddie’s hands tightened around his utensils but his face remained blank, like he was forcing himself not to acknowledge Buck in anyway and the others seemed to be falling in line. Bobby sat at the head of the table, also making a point of not looking at Buck. Hen and Chim were side by side like always. No one paid him any mind and instead they looked amongst each other and started taking and laughing, sharing jokes that he had been left out of and recapping the calls he had not been a part of, passing food and drinks back and forth with easy smiles. They were acting like a family. They were a family.

And Buck was still standing by the top of the  
stairs, near them but not a part of them. Not anymore.

It hit him just then as he watched them, that this was it. The moment he had been trying to keep at bay for months was finally here. He wouldn’t be accepted back into the 118 family and he was stupid to think he ever would be. He felt the pressure building in his chest as the realization set in, the loneliness looming larger in front of him then it ever had before. This wasn’t his family anymore. It hadn’t been for a long time. The acceptance of this fact caused something to open up inside of him, and he didn’t know how to close that void that was now starting to swallow him.

Hen looked up at that moment and met his eyes and something must have been showing on his face because she dropped the fork she was holding and stood up quickly, somehow knowing the conclusion he had come to.

“Buck..” Her voice went soft, her hand raising as if to reach for him but he stepped back. The others took notice and turned to look at him but Hen’s eyes stayed on his face, her own expression starting to fracture. “Buck.”

“No, I’m done.” He said softly, not sure if anyone had heard him but he didn’t care. He turned swiftly and left the loft area, taking the steps two at a time until he reached the ground floor. He knew he would catch hell for skipping out on the last hour of his shift but he couldn’t stop his body from grabbing his stuff from his locker and heading back to the parking lot. 

He threw his bag into the front seat and climbed behind the wheel, the emptiness in his heart growing bigger the longer he stayed here. As he pulled away from the firehouse, he saw in his mirror Hen and Chim exiting and waving their arms as if to stop him. They were probably yelling too but he didn’t stop. He just kept driving. He would go home to change out of his uniform and then after that? Who knows. He couldn’t be here anymore, he didn’t belong. He knew that now. 

I’m done

I’m done 

I’m done


	2. The Silence never seemed so loud

He didn't remember much about the drive back to his apartment, only that he managed to do it without causing an accident which was a miracle since he couldn't seem to focus on anything. He could barely feel his limbs climbing out of his car and taking him inside the building, his body operating on autopilot while his mind kept on flickering in and out, like he was waking up in the hospital after being on anesthesia. He wasn't there, not really. He was able to get himself inside his apartment but once he was standing in the middle of the big empty space, the silence pressing in from all sides, he couldn't bring himself to make the climb upstairs. Instead, he dropped his bag at his feet and walked over to the table and sat down without making a noise and turned his face toward the window, not really seeing anything.

Every move Buck made felt like he was doing it under water, the pressure and weight holding him down threatening to pull him further away if he tried to fight it. So he didn't, he let himself drift because really what was the point in holding on anymore?

Buck was an idiot, he was such a fucking idiot for convincing himself that they would ever forgive him and want him with them like before. And he had tried so hard to earn his place back. He did everything right. He did what you were suppose to do when you had to make amends. He apologized. He accepted responsibility for his own part in this mess and was ready to face whatever they threw at him if it meant that he could come back. He really thought he could make this right. They had been a family. Families made mistakes and fought with each other but at the end of the day, they loved and cared for each other and would never leave one of their own out in the cold.

But they had left him out. For months, never relenting in their pursuit of making him feel like the lowest scum of the earth. They tore him open with their sharp barbs and ripped everything out and still it wasn't enough to make them love him again. So Buck had to sew his wounds shut and crawl away before they destroyed him for good. 

He knew he had made mistakes, but he wasn't alone in this mess. Bobby and Eddie, they had knowingly and even unknowingly taken part in adding to the pain. Bobby lying to him when he was still recovering about not being allowed back because of the blood thinners, he never even tried to prepare Buck for what was to come, instead leaving him to see that his space in the firehouse was already being given to someone else. And even when he was finally allowed back, Bobby didn't treat Buck like he use to and that was probably the first crack to start growing in his chest. 

And Eddie, Eddie never seemed to be there when Buck needed him to be. At first Buck tried to understand, knowing that the tsunami had touched them all and especially Chris and Eddie needed to be there for his son. Buck understood that, but it still hurt. He also needed someone, but they were never there. Even before the tsunami, when he had just come out of surgery for his leg, he had woken up alone. Not seeing anyone there the first time he opened his eyes had been a slap to the face. He had expected Eddie to reach out after the tsunami, but he hadn't. Buck's texts and calls were forgotten and because everything had been such a whirlwind afterwards, he didn't bring it up. He thought when they had the confrontation in the grocery store that this would be it, that everything would be forced out in the open and they could get back to being friends or hopefully at some point, something more. But then Eddie had called him exhausting, pointing out every where Buck had gone wrong even if it had been to get back to him and Chris, and Buck felt like opening his mouth and trying to explain himself would just make him more of a burden. So he didn't respond.

He just fell in a routine of running himself into the ground in the hope that it would be enough to regain what he had lost. And it had become very apparent that it had all been for nothing. He was alone and he would be alone even in the firehouse full of people that had once been his family. And he was tired of trying to get their forgiveness. He was tired of trying to prove himself. He was just tired. 

Sleep no longer came easy. Food held no appeal, he ate enough to keep himself from passing out but no more. Nothing interested him outside of work, all his time and energy being pored into earning back his spot. There was a constant static buzzing under his skin like he was a live wire and every night seemed to fray it even further. He knew he was close to the edge, he had been here before. But admitting that things were different would have been accepting defeat and he had ever been good at accepting defeat. He always held on to hope, there was always a reason to. But not any more.

He didn't know how long he sat there staring out the window. He only knew that he could no longer feel the rest of his body and everything around him seemed so far away. So when a hand landed on his shoulder, he barely felt it.

“Buck? Buck can you hear me?” 

“Why isn't he responding?”

“Buck are you hurt?”

“Hen, Chim, look him over. He might have gotten injured somehow after he left the firehouse.”

Buck could hear the hum of voices around him, but they were too far away for him to focus on, so he just let the sound float in and out of his ears without trying to grab on to them. There was pressure at his wrists and neck, something cold touching his chest and then a brushing against his legs and arms, searching. There was nothing to find, he wasn't here anymore, so why were they bothering him? Someone kept tapping at his face, trying to get him to focus.

“He's not hurt. But why isn't he saying anything?”

“Come on Buck, I know you're in there.”

“Hen what the hell happened?”

“I don't know, I just knew something was wrong when he turned around and left. You didn't see the look on his face.”

“Buck please...” Hands touched his face, fingers brushing gently over his ears before they cradled the back of his head. That was Eddie, even now months after he last touched Buck with anything resembling gentleness, Buck would recognize that touch anywhere. And the worry in Eddie's voice was pulling him back and everything was starting to come into view again, the noise around him hitting his ears so loudly that he nearly jumped out of his seat and flinched away from Eddie's touch as he finally seemed to come back into his body. Eddie was kneeling on the floor in front of him, his hands still outstretched in the air between them. “Buck..”

“What are you guys doing here?” Buck looked up, seeing Chim and Hen standing over him on his left and right sharing twin expressions of worry while Bobby stood behind Eddie looking astounded. Buck shoved Eddie's hands away and stood up, feeling the ached in his knees from not moving for so long. “Why are you here?”

“Buck...we were worried.” Hen started to say, looking around at the others before meeting his eyes. “You left so quickly..”

“Well I wasn't exactly going to stick around and be ignored like I have been for the past couple of months now was I?” Buck moved around the table so he was no longer near them. None of them moved from their spots by the table, seeming to sense that coming near him right now would not be welcomed. “So I ask again, why are you here?”

“Buck, I saw the look on your face right before you left. You looked like you had given up hope...”

“And you thought I was going to do something stupid so you came here to check up on me. Well I'm fine.” Buck said this to Hen but it was really for all of them. Not that it did anything to wipe the worry from their eyes, but he couldn't muster up the energy to care about that. He had spent weeks holding back his own emotions in order to use every available speck of energy on them and he couldn't do it anymore. He motioned to the door. “You guys can go.”

“No Buck, we need to talk.” Eddie spoke up, daring to take a step closer. “We walked in here and you were basically catatonic. We can't just ignore that.”

“Why not? You've been ignoring it since I came back, so why is it an issue now?” Buck stared at Eddie, wishing he could still be in touch with the feelings he had for the man, but those emotions were off floating somewhere and he was too tired to swim after them. “You made yourself very clear how you felt about me being back. In fact you all did that. So I don't understand why you're acting like you care now.”

“We do care! We never stopped.” Bobby said, his face flipping between guilt and frustration. “Look I know things have been tough...”

“That's because you made them tough. I tried to do what you asked me to because I thought it would help fix things. But you just wanted to be cruel because you felt bombarded by the lawsuit. And I felt guilty for that and I used that to excuse how you treated me. I thought I deserved it for what I did.” Buck's eyes prickled and he frowned to keep his composure stable. “But I didn't deserve that. Maybe a few weeks to teach me a lesson but not months of it. And you all took part in that. And now you have the nerve to walk in here and pretend to be worried.”

“Buck..” Eddie began to say but Buck turned to look at him and cut him off.

“And you.! Telling me I'm exhausting and selfish and taking Christopher away just because you wanted to hurt me. But you know what? You were hurting me even before you cut off contact with Chris. You never asked me how I was doing after the tsunami. You never saw that I was losing sleep and could barely eat. You didn't see me. And I always saw you. I did everything I could to be there for you but you could never do the same for me. Even before the lawsuit.”

“Buck...” Eddie's face had started to crumble but Buck looked away because the longer he stood there looking at the man he had fallen in love with, the threat of being pulled back into the same old routine would take take over. And Buck wasn't going to do that.

“I want you to leave. I don't want you here.” Buck moved around the side of the kitchen island and moved towards the door, his hand reaching for the handle before he spoke again. “You haven't wanted me around and now I don't want you around, so please leave.”

“I really think we should talk.” Chim spoke next, his voice steady like he was hoping to be the one to keep them all calm and remedy the situation. He walked towards Buck, his face hopeful. “We shouldn't have let it get this far..”

“But it did and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm done.” Buck opened the door and motioned with his hand to the hallway. “Get out.”

“What does that mean that you're done?” Bobby suddenly looked worried, perhaps realizing for the first time that this was not ending the way that he had imagined. “Done with what?”

“I'm not having this conversation. Get the fuck out.” Buck wanted to shout it at them but he couldn't manage more then a volume just above a whisper. Hen must have seen that he wasn't going to be forced into this and motioned to the others to head out. Eddie looked like he was going to argue but he followed the others as they passed through the door, only turning to look Buck in the eye at the last second.

“Buck please.” It was all Eddie could get out before Buck slammed the door shut and slid the lock into place, the noise seeming to thunder in his ears

Buck turned his back to the door and slid down to the floor, his knees coming up to his chest and he finally was able to let go. The tears didn't come fast, they blurred his vision and took their sweet time making their way down his face. His breathing grew heavy as it hit him all at once that things would never be the same. He wouldn't be part of the family again, he was on his own. This was his reality now. The thought opened up something big and scary inside of him and he started weeping, his shoulders shaking so hard they knocked back against the door. He had been trying to outrun the hurt for so long and it was all caving in on him now and he could only watch as it all rushed at him. He gripped his hair as his cries grew louder, hoping the pain would quench the despair filling him up. He could just make out the sound of shuffling feet out in the hallway before a voice came from the other side of the door, Eddie's voice calling out to him.

“Buck.... Buck please.”

Buck couldn't answer. Buck wouldn't answer. Now they would know how loud silence could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea so I was kind of taken aback by the response to this story and I decided to add a little more. I don't know when i will add a third chapter or even if I will add a third chapter but I'm so glad you all seemed to like this. Thank you so much for the love and support


	3. What does Evan Buckley want

“Buck? Buck can we talk please?” Eddie's voice called after him as he jumped down from the firetruck and headed toward the locker room. They had just returned from putting out a fire at a laundromat and Buck wanted nothing more than to put distance between him and the rest of the team. They had managed to work as a team while out on call but now that it was over and the danger had passed, everyone had been trying to pull him into conversation like they always use to have and Buck had not responded to any of it. Instead he spent the entire drive back to the firehouse looking out the window watching the buildings go by and only half listening to what was going on around him. The minute he was able to get out of the enclosed interior of the firetruck, the better. Buck had wanted to leap out of his skin but this was his job and he would be professional about it, but it did not mean he had to act like they were friends since they had made it very clear where they stood on that front in the past few months. But Eddie was as stubborn as they come and wouldn't back down. So even when Buck practically ran for the locker room, Eddie simply followed. “You barely say a word when we're not on calls. We never see you until we have to go out...”

“That's how things have been for the past 2 months, glad to see you are finally noticing.” Buck grumbled, kicking off his outer clothes and making sure not to look at Eddie. “Why is it a problem now? Or is it only a problem because now I'm treating you the way you have treated me and you can't stand it?”

“I just want you to talk to me.” Eddie said, his footsteps getting louder as he came across the room and sat down on the bench beside Buck. “How else are we going to fix things if we don't talk about it?”

“Well I already said I did not want to talk about it. I will be professional while at work because its a life and death kind of job but that is it.” Buck turned his head to look Eddie in the eye so his former friend knew he was serious. Ever since they had come to his apartment that day 2 weeks ago, they had been trying to get him to talk to them but he had resisted every effort. If it had been a few weeks ago or even earlier that day before he broke, then maybe they could have salvaged this. At least then it would have meant they had come to him on their own and not because him giving up had forced their hands. It meant nothing now and they needed to see that. “Eddie I am done trying to get back to what we use to be. We are not a family. You guys pushed me out and I have accepted that. So just let it be.”

“I can't, I can't let it be.” Eddie said, almost pleadingly, his voice coming fast. “I didn't realize how badly we had been hurting you...”

“You didn't realize that ignoring me and literally pushing me around and cutting off contact with Christopher for weeks on end would hurt me?” Buck asked incredulously. How had they gotten so far from each other for Eddie to say that to him? They were friends at one point, almost on the edge of being something more. How could Eddie not know that their treatment of him was killing him? Buck shook his head. “If you didn't realize it would hurt me, then you never knew me at all.”

“Please don't say that.” Eddie stood up when he did, looking like he wanted to reach out and touch him but thought better of it. “I've had a lot going on and maybe I let that cloud my judgement too much...”

“Yea we all have stuff going on but you don't see me lashing out like you did over it. Not to mention that I never complained once, because god forbid I came across as whiny in the slightest.” Buck hissed through his teeth, slamming his locker shut and heading towards the showers. “Or worse yet, you saw me as exhausting because I didn't want to hold everything in anymore.”

“Buck...” Eddie called out after him but Buck ignored him and left him behind.

**

Buck was heading to his car after his shower so he could eat lunch in peace. Of course once he showed his face on the main floor of the firehouse, everyone had tried to get him to come upstairs and eat with the rest of them but he brushed off their invites and high tailed it to the parking lot. His phones started buzzing just as he had climbed in and he was tempted to ignore it, so sure that it was one of them trying to call him back inside but when he looked down, he was shocked to see it was Carla's name flashing across the screen.

“Hey Carla, what's up?” He asked, setting his lunch in the passenger seat and putting down the windows so he could feel the breeze in his hair. “Is everything ok?”

“Everything's fine. Actually someone else was hoping to talk to you.”: There was noise on the other end of the line as the phone was passed off before a smaller voice said. “Bucky?”

“Hey Chris.” Buck felt an enormous grin stretch across his face until his jaw ached just from hearing his name come out of Christopher's mouth. He hadn't heard from the kid in so long that as stupid as it sounded, he almost felt tears come to his eyes but he managed to hold back so not to scare the kid. “How are you?”

“I'm good, I just got home and Carla's making me a snack. She makes better snacks than daddy.” Chris said and Buck had to smile at the little jab. Eddie was terrible at cooking in any capacity and snacks usually consisted of opening something already made. Chris loved to tease Eddie about that and Eddie loved pretending to be offended by it. The reminder of the fact that Buck knew that about them made his chest ache. Chris sighed “Buck when are we going to see you again?”

“I don't know buddy. Things haven't been very good lately.” Buck offered by way of explanation, not wanting to put the truth on the kid's shoulders since it was more complicated than he was prepared to understand right now. 

“Why did you go away?”

“I didn't go anywhere.” Buck told him, closing his eyes and sitting back in his seat. He hated that Chris thought he had just up and disappeared with no reason, but he also couldn't explain it in a way that didn't seem like he was bad mouthing Eddie. He didn't want to do that. So he just went with part of the truth. “ I was just sad for a while. And I didn't know what to do.”

“Are you still sad?”

“Not now that I am talking to the greatest kid in the world.” Buck tried to throw in as much brightness in his voice as he could, while fighting off the urge to give in to the feeling that was clawing it's way up his throat towards his eyes. He shook his head. “Why don't you tell me everything that has been going on with you since we last talked? How's school?”

“Well in art class we made this cool rocket ship out of....”

**

Buck was hanging up the phone and climbing out of his car when he spotted Eddie approaching and it took everything in him not to glare at the other man. Why did he have to keep on coming at him like this? Buck had just enjoyed those last 30 minutes talking to Chris and eating his lunch, probably putting him in the best mood he had been in for months and now seeing Eddie was about to ruin it. Buck started walking towards the door of the firehouse, not intending to converse with Eddie but since the world seemed to love trampling on him, he was taken aback by what came out of Eddie's mouth.

“So was that Chris on the phone?” He asked hopefully, his eyebrows raised innocently but Buck came to a stop at the steps leading up to the door and turned to narrow his eyes.

“Carla called me. And then put him on the line.” Buck explained, tapping his fingers on the side of his leg. “But I'm guessing you already knew that.”

“Yea, when you were in shower I called Carla and mentioned that when she and Chris got home today that if he wanted to talk to you then he could.” Eddie looked proud of himself and for the first time in a long time, Buck wanted to punch something. “I thought it might put you in a better mood.”

“Oh I see.” Buck nodded, hiding his clenched fists behind him so Eddie couldn't see. “You used your kid to get on my good side so I would talk to you.”

“No I wasn't using him, I just thought it would be nice for him to hear from you.” 

“You didn't think to let it happen before all this went down. But then when I'm refusing to talk to you, you suddenly think its ok to let him talk to me. That was your last card to play and you used it because you knew you could use it to your advantage.” Buck snapped gritting his teeth.

“No Buck I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm just trying to offer an olive branch in the hope that you will let me talk so I can apologize.” Eddie shot back, a flare of frustration rising in his eyes as Buck walked past him up the steps. 

“You all keep saying that, saying you want to talk so you can apologize but you never actually say the words.”

“I am sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, I know I did the bulk of what hurt you the most and I feel shitty for it. But I am sorry.”

“Then why don't I believe you? Why does it feel like empty words coming out of your mouth?” Buck could see the others trying and failing to look like they weren't peering over the balcony trying to listening but he knew they were. “You say you're sorry but I don't think you are.”

“I am! I am!” Eddie reached out and wrapped his fingers around Buck's wrist and held on tight. Once upon a time Buck would have been thrilled at the contact but now he just wanted to run for the hills. Eddie's skin on his was burning. “Buck please. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

“I need you to leave me the fuck alone. You had no problem doing that before.” Buck ripped his arm out of Eddie's grip and heading toward the workout area, not even looking over his shoulder to see Eddie's reaction.

**

“I cannot believe this.”

“Mads please calm down.” Buck watched as his sister paced back and forth across the living room while he sat on the couch and contemplated whether he should try to stop her. She had been in a rage from the moment she entered his apartment and for a moment, he had no idea what had gotten into her for her to be looking so murderous. But then she had told him about a phone call she had gotten from Chim, who after a few awkward moments, had ended up spilling the truth about what had been going on at the 118 for the past few months and it had taken everything in her to not hang up on him and throw the phone at the wall. Instead she had driven over to see him and he hadn't even gotten the chance to hug her hello before she was ranting about the situation and he figured it was best to just wait it out until he could jump in. “You can't do anything about it now.”

“Oh there is plenty I can do.” She snapped, her heels stomping loudly on the tile floor . “I have half a mind to go down to that damn firehouse and yell at all of them.”

“I would pay to see that.” Buck smirked, the thought of his older sister roaring into the 118 looking like a bat out of hell amused him to no end. And he knew she would do it if he let her. Maddie had no shame when it came to standing up for those she cared about, nothing was too over the top when it came to making people see sense when they couldn't before. He motioned for her to sit down and she reluctantly did. “But I'd rather you didn't. Yelling implies that there is still hope to be found to fix all this and there isn't. I just want to do my job. I don't have to be family to them anymore.”

“Why didn't you tell me about this before?” Maddie asked, the fire in her eyes dimming just the slightest she turned to look at him. “I hate that you were suffering for months and I had no idea.”

“I thought it was going to get better.” He admitted, rubbing a hand down his face as he thought back to the very beginning, when he had first returned after the lawsuit fiasco. “I thought that if I just sucked it up and took whatever they threw at me then maybe they would see where I was coming from, that I hadn't done this to be a brat. And it was all to come back to them and then they would forgive me and we could all move on. But they just kept ignoring me when we weren't on call, I wasn't invited to team activities anymore, hell I didn't even get to eat with them anymore.”

“And it went on for so long.” His sister sighed heavily, shaking her head. “And Howie didn't say anything, so I thought everything was ok again. God I cant even stomach looking at him any time soon.”

“He wasn't as bad at the others.” Buck tried to say. “He wasn't actively punishing me or pushing me around or anything.”

“Yea but he also didn't do anything to stop it did he?” Maddie asked and Buck couldn't say anything to Chim's defense so he just stayed quiet. “That makes it just as terrible. Seeing people do bad things and not saying anything, even though you know better. Hell it might even be worse.”

“I'm trying not to focus on them anymore. Like I said I just want to do my job.”

“Have you talked to Frank?”

“Actually I moved up my appointment, I'm seeing him tomorrow.” Buck said, thinking of his therapist. He had no idea how to make sense of the mess inside his head and he was hoping Frank could sort it out for him.

“That's good. I'm glad you're talking to someone about all this.” Maddie reached across the back of the couch and took his hand like she use to do when they were kids and held on tight. “So what happens next?”

“What do you mean?”

“ I mean where do you see this going? How does this all end? What do you want to get out of this?”

“I haven't really given it much thought.” Buck said, pressing his lips tightly together. His sister made a point. How did he want things to progress. Did he want to keep on just being a firefighter and nothing else at the 118? Did he want to give the others a chance to speak their minds and get everything out in the open so they could be back on the same page? Did he even want to let them in again? He looked at Maddie and shrugged “I don't know what I want to happen. I spent so much time only thinking about getting them to forgive me. And now that I've given that up, I don't know what comes next.”

“I'm on your side. I hope you know that. And I'll help you in any way I can.” Maddie squeezed his hand and offered him a smile. “And if you want me to go down there and start a fight on your behalf then I'll do it.”

“I'll keep that in mind.”

**  
The next day~

“Buck? Buck you've been here nearly 25 minutes and you haven't really said much.”

“Sorry Frank, I'm just a little stuck in my head right now.” Buck replied, adjusting himself into a more comfortable sitting position in the armchair by the window. It had been a slow going session like Frank had said, Buck barely had given him any details as to why he had asked to move his session up. He had wanted to spill his guts about everything, but now that he was here, he was finding it harder than he thought to speak freely about what was bothering him. Frank knew the bare minimum, he didn't know how bad it had gotten. “Things haven't been going too well at work.”

“Last time you were here, you mentioned you were having some trouble adjusting back.” Frank tapped the open file sitting on the arm of the chair he was in. “How has that been going?”

“Physically I'm in the all clear. But everything else is so different.” Buck said, crossing his arms and pressing his lips together. “It's like we're not even the same team anymore. They didn't really talk to me unless we were on calls. I never got invited to activities outside of work anymore. They don't even want me to eat with them. It wasn't suppose to be like this. The lawsuit was suppose to get me my family back, it was never about the money. But they couldn't see that. All they saw was all the ways I had wronged them and wanted to punish me for it. And I get it, they were hurt. But I was hurting too and I needed them on my side like it was before. I've been trying so hard to get it all back but nothing I did worked.”

“Did?” Frank caught on that word and leaned forward slightly.

“Yea I kind of …. had a realization few weeks ago.” Buck replied, rubbing the tip of his nose. “I had decided to try and join them when they were eating, thinking that if I forced us through the awkwardness then maybe it would be a good thing. But then they ignored me when I spoke up and I was just standing there, seeing them all laughing and joking and being a family and it just hit me that I was never going to be apart of that again. I was the outsider now and that was how it was going to be from now on.”

“What did you feel in the moment you realized that?”

“Devastated.” Buck said without thinking, feeling a little shocked at how easily that slipped out. “And I just wanted to run an hide.”

“Being caught in a moment of vulnerability tends to bring up that urge.” Frank told him gently.

“I mean I went home after that and they eventually showed up at my place trying to talk to me because apparently it showed on my face what I was feeling, but I kicked them out.” Buck shrugged, crossing and uncrossing his legs as he thought back to that day. He had analyzed it over and over again and it never got easy. “I just couldn't bring myself to hear anything they had to say.”

“Well it sounds like you had reached your breaking point.”

“I had given up hope. I just wish it hadn't taken two months to get to that point.” 

“Why?”

“Because I felt like an idiot.” Buck said suddenly, planting his feet firmly on the carpet and staring at Frank. “I tried for so long to earn their forgiveness. I did everything they asked of me, even when I was exhausted and hurting. Extra chores, staying out of their way, picking up extra shifts. I kept telling myself that if I just held on a little longer, then they could forgive me. If I just pushed through without complaint then they would see I was trying. But that day I saw them all eating together without me, I knew it had all been for nothing. So all that effort was for nothing and I felt stupid for convincing myself that I ever could get it all back.”

“You talk a lot about earning their forgiveness and what you had to do to fix things with them. But they never did that for you. So let me ask you this.” Frank leaned forward again so his arms were resting on his knees. “What do you want to happen?”

“Oh not this conversation again.” Buck laughed, noting the confused look on the other man's face and quickly said. “My sister asked me the same thing last night.”

“And what did you tell her?” Frank inquired with a tip of his head.

“That I didn't know. That the thought had never really occurred to me because I had spent so much time only thinking about the next thing I could do because the thought of not trying to get them back hadn't been something I was even considering. At least not until a few weeks ago.”

“Like I said, you talk about what you could do for them, and never about what you want or need from them. So perhaps it is time you turn that energy and effort to yourself.” Frank said, sitting back and picking up his pen. “Don't think about the future with your work family in mind. This isn't about them anymore, this is about you. ”

“I don't know how to do that.” Buck admitted, trying to picture what it would be like to not factor the 118 into a decision and it was just hard to do even if he no longer felt like he belonged to them. 

“It's something you should spend some time doing. Considering yourself and nobody else. Putting yourself first for once and not everyone else in your life. What is it that you need right now? What will make you happy short term and then long term? What do you need to do to make yourself feel better again? How do you want to handle this? What does Evan Buckley want?”

**

What does Evan Buckley want?

Frank's question from their session yesterday kept on replaying in his head long after he left the therapist's office. He thought when he went home he could put it out of his mind. But it was there on the drive back. It popped up when he was making dinner and watching tv. The words ran through his head like an annoying song as he showered after working out. It never stopped coming. It was always there in the corner waiting to be examined more closely. He wanted to have answer to it but it wasn't that easy. He had managed to ignore it while he was at work today but he could tell that the others knew something was up. No one had tried to approach him outside of calls and he kept to himself as much as he could. Until he knew for sure where he wanted things to go from here,then any kind of talk was just going to confuse him even more. He also just didn't know what to say to them. All he knew was that when he left the station tonight to go home, he felt a huge weight leave his shoulders the moment he stepped out those doors. That had to mean something didn't it? It was something he still thought about as he sat sprawled out on his couch, not really watching what was on the TV in front of him.

What does Evan Buckley want?

Oh what a loaded question that was. He would have said that he wanted his family back. But he didn't know if that was still the case now. He couldn't just let go of the way they had treated him for months. And he certainly couldn't stop thinking about how they only changed how they behaved towards him when it looked like he had given up. Why did it take them until that moment to finally start treating him as human again? It made any actions on their part afterward seem so insincere and he didn't know how to trust them not to slip back into old habits. But then again, they had been a family for so long it was hard to imagine not eventually forging them. How was he suppose to do that? Then Buck remembered what Frank had said, to think about he wanted without putting any thought into any one other than himself. That just seemed like an impossible task. The 118 was such a large part of who he was, how was he suppose to figure out what the future looked like without them in mind?

His thoughts were interrupted just then by the ringing on his cell phone on the coffee table and he reached out with the remote to lower the volume before picking it up. He saw the name Brian flashing on the screen and he quickly picked up. “Hey.”

“Evan Buckley how the hell are you?” Brian was loud, even on the phone and Buck had to fight the urge to lean away to protect his hearing. He had met Brian during their training before they were assigned to different stations but they had kept in touch when they could. He probably wouldn't consider Brian a particularly close friend, but still friends nonetheless. It still made him curious why he was getting a call out of the blue.

“I'm doing ok.” Buck answered back but even though they hadn't talked in a while, the other man immediately knew it wasn't entirely true.

“I think we both know that's a lie.” Brian said, his voice lowering slightly, taking on more gentle tone. “We may be at different firehouses, but we are still part of the same community. We know things.”

“Meaning?” Buck asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Meaning that I know things have probably been tough since you went back to work.” Brian pointed out, his simple statement having an under current of weight attached to it. Buck closed his eyes. Of course the news about what had happened at the 118 had eventually spread and reached other firefighters across L.A., Brian was right. They were a community and tended to know these kind of things about each other even if they weren't close. “So you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, I've had a rough couple of months and I just had two emotional talks- one with my sister and one with my therapist and I'm not looking to have another.” Buck replied, closing the door on that subject.

“Ok well then let's talk about why I called you out of the blue.” Brian said, his voice steady and reassuring. “With everything that happened and the issues you have been having at the 118, I think it would be a good idea for you to take a break.”

“Look I know you mean well. But I just came back to work two months ago after being laid up with my leg, and then a pulmonary embolism, and then being caught in a tsunami and them dealing with a lawsuit.” Buck said, thinking back to the last few months and really the last year and he grimaced. It was just always just one thing after the other, never ending. And still he went to work because that was what fulfilled him. That was what he wanted to be doing always. “A vacation is the last thing I want to do.”

“I'm not talking about vacation. I'm talking about a reprieve from your current environment. A break that would still allow you to work.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“So my station is in the process of hiring new firefighters and we have people lined up already but we could use someone temporarily to fill in until those people could start. And I thought of you. You wouldn't have to to leave your apartment and move somewhere else. You could still be a firefighter at a different station and it would only be short term. And it would get you a break from your current coworkers.” Brian said, running off a list easily as if he had rehearsed this conversation in his head before calling. “So what do you think?”

“I don't know. I never even thought about going anywhere else.” Buck admitted, the thought already taking root inside his head. “Even if it was temporary, I never thought I could be anywhere other than the 118.”

“Well it's something to think about then. Call me if you decide its something you would be interested in.”

Later when Buck was laying in bed staring up at the ceiling, Brian's offer ran through his head and Buck could hardly believe it was an actual option. He wasn't lying when he said he never thought about being anywhere else. The firehouse was his home, or at least it had been. Now it was just somewhere he worked. So maybe working at another station for a short bit was something he needed to do for himself. But even just thinking about working with other firefighters added to the cloud inside his head and made him dizzy with confusion.

Could he really do this?

Could he really leave the 118?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have decided to end this at 4 chapters, so the next one is definitely the last. But depending on how I end the 4th chapter, it could stretch into a second installment. So it's something I have to decide. Thanks for all the wonderful comments on this story thus far. You have truly humbled me with your praise.


	4. Not like this

“Evan fucking Buckley!” A loud excited voice yelled across the parking lot as Buck exited his car and turned to look at the tall building behind him. He barely had time to step around to the back of his jeep before he was being barreled into at full force by all 6 feet 2 inches of his friend Brian. Buck laughed as he returned the hug, reveling in the feeling of being hugged by someone who was genuinely happy to see him. Brian squeezed him tightly before letting go and stepping back to get a look at him. “I can't believe you actually showed up.”

“Dude you invited me to come see the place. It would have been rude to just not come without saying anything.” Buck shot back, already trying to fight off a grin. It had always been like this between the two of them, even back in training they were always pushing and pulling at each other and constantly laughing throughout the day and it seemed like that hadn't changed despite not seeing each other in a few months. Maybe Buck was just desperate to cling to any shred of friendship that got sent his way, but all he knew right then in that moment was that he felt the weight on his shoulders ease a little bit. “But to be fair, I was debating txting you to say I wouldn't come.”

“I knew it.” Brian exclaimed, throwing up a finger in Buck's face and shaking his head. “I fucking knew it.”

“Ok shut up, I'm here aren't I?” Buck rolled his eyes and motioned to the building across the pavement. “So are you going to take me in or not?”

“Well since you're already here...” Brian trailed off sarcastically and nodded over his shoulders. “Let's go. The others are dying to meet you.”

“Oh god what did you tell them?” Buck narrowed his eyes as he walked beside his friend, fighting off the slight apprehension in stomach at the thought of meeting another crew that was probably like family to each other and likely wouldn't take to him as easily. So he was suspicious of Brian's statement. “I don't want them to think I'm a little shit right off the bat..”

“OK you need to relax, they will not think that of you.” Brian told him, lightly elbowing him in the side in the same way that Eddie would have done if they were on good terms. Buck froze slightly at the gesture and Brian seemed to think this made things worse because his voice softened. “I promise you that they already know you are a good guy and anything they learned about you outside of that, doesn't change that fact.”

“That will be a nice change.” Buck muttered in response, his hand going to the back of his head as they passed through the large doors and into the wide open space of the firehouse. He paused briefly to take in surroundings, some things already feeling so familiar that he smiled. “This set up doesn't look all that different from the 118.”

“That's good, then you'd get use to it very quickly if you came here to work.” Brian said, sticking his hands in his pockets and looked around proudly. “Which I totally think you should.”

“I never said I would. I said I would think about it.” Buck reminded him, his eyes flitting across the bay where the two firetrucks stood, ready and clean to go out while the ambulance was parked off to the right of them, its back doors open. It all seemed so familiar and yet foreign at the same time. “It just seems weird to be in another station. I never worked at another house since I left training.”

“Same.” Brian agreed, nodding as he spoke. “I'd probably feel like I was on another planet if I were to leave this place.”

“I never even considered taking a job that would take me away from the 118. But lately things have just been really crappy.” Buck sighed, feeling the uncomfortable weight already trying to climb back up to his shoulders. “I just thought it couldn't hurt to at least pay you a visit.”

“Well I'm glad you did, whether you join us or not.” Brian grinned, his floppy brown hair falling over his forehead the same it always had for as long as Buck had known him. “So should we go ahead and meet....”

“Oh my god is that him?” A high pitched voice came from behind the ambulance and the two men looked up to see a firefighter with dark blonde hair jumping down to the floor and hurry over to them. The man was shorter than Buck and Brian, but strong looking and walked with an assurance that reminded Buck of how he use to be. The man immediately stuck his hand out for Buck to shake. “I'm Eric.”

“Hi.” Buck grasped the outstretched hand and shook it, seeing Brian off the to the side fighting off a laugh. “I'm Buck.”

“Buck? What kind of name is that?” An amused female voice was the next to join them and Buck turned to see a small red haired woman walking over, followed by two other men close behind. “It sounds like a nickname.”

“It kind of is. My full name is Evan Buckley, but no one calls me Evan, so Buck it is.” Buck replied, trying not to shrink under the gaze of so many new eyes.

“Evan Buckley? Weren't you the one on the news for being pinned under the truck after the explosion? And for taking out a lawsuit against ...”

“Candice, shut up.” Brian cut in with a warning but his voice was light, probably use to the brunt manner his teammate spoke with. “You just met him and you're already going in with the heavy stuff?”

“Don't be offended.” Eric half whispered to Buck. “She's like that with everyone.”

“I'm merely stating how I knew his name.” Candice said with a scowl that didn't meet her green eyes before turning to hold her fist out to Buck. “Besides, that took balls to do. The lawsuit, I mean.”

“Uh thanks?” Buck wasn't sure it that was a compliment or not but he nevertheless bumped his knuckles against hers. “It wasn't exactly what I had wanted to do...”

“But you did what you had to do, no one can fault you for that.” Another person in the group spoke up from the back. He was black, tall with short dark hair and a lightness in his brown eyes that seemed to put everyone around him at ease. He held up his hand in a slight wave. “Any of us would have done the same. Especially if we were being unfairly held back.”

“You know about that?” Buck looked to Brian who nodded and a strange relief went through him at the knowledge that he wouldn't have to be the one to share all the information about why he was considering joining their fire house. He didn't know if he would have been able to give voice to all the reasons why his life had been in shambles the last few months and he was grateful that Brian had taken it upon himself to let his teammates know. “I just wanted to work again.”

“And you weren't being allowed, yea Brian here told us all about that. I can't believe you put up with that and then again once you were back with them. I guess they didn't understand.” The man said, shaking his head disapprovingly at the situation and Buck was suddenly thinking about how strange it felt to be so seen and heard by these strangers when they had just met him and his old crew whom he had known for years, still didn't get it. The man met Buck's eyes and waved his fingers. “I'm Ben, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you.” Buck nodded in his direction.

“And I'm Simon.” The man in the back next to Ben spoke up, a flicker of amusement in his voice as he looked around at the group. “The one in charge of these guys.”

“Yea, in your dreams.” Brian laughed, tugging on Buck's sleeve to for him to follow. “Come on, I won't subject you to these idiots any longer.”

“That's highly offensive.” Eric called after him.

“And possibly sexist.” Candice yelled, trying and failing to sound mad when she started laughing as soon as the words were out of her mouth. 

Buck couldn't help but smile when the others joined her, clearly the situation not being taken seriously. It was all good fun them teasing each other that way, like a bunch of siblings would. It was like a family, Buck realized with a startled flinch, the word searing across his brain like flickering flame. It had been so long since he had felt a part of that kind of dynamic and even though he wasn't directly a part of the warmhearted teasing, he was not an outsider looking in at the fun. He was on the inside observing the family with the notion that he may be able to be part of that if he chose to be.

“Hey.” Brian elbowed him again to get his attention. “You good?”

“Yea, I'm good.”

**

20 minutes later, Brian was finishing up the short tour of the firehouse. They had seen the locker rooms, the work out area, the kitchen and lounge area and the bunk rooms. Buck wasn't kidding when he said it wasn't all that much different from the way things were at the 118, there were moments when he had been walking around that he had to look at Brian to remind himself that he was in a different station entirely. Brian had been talking the whole time and Buck was more than happy to just listen and pip in when necessary. He was so use to not being talked to normally that he had to become use to it again. The others popped in here and there, sometimes adding to the conversation when Brian brought up calls from the week prior and they claimed he told it wrong and to tell it the right way this time. Buck smiled the whole time as he watched them, not feeling like he was intruding on their space but was somehow a part of it even though he had met most of them less then a half hour before. Eric and Simon wanted to hear more about Buck and Brian's training time before they went to separate houses. Candice was very straight forward and honest, there was no guessing games with her- she said exactly what was on her mind and Buck realized that he appreciated that. Ben seemed the most mature out of them all and at one point pulled Buck aside to tell him that if he accepted the temporary offer, then he would be welcome like a brother and no one would treat him the way his old crew had. Buck had been a little bit taken aback to be told this by a stranger, but then again Brian had explained the situation to them before Buck had shown up, so it wasn't so shocking. And if he were being honest, Buck fully expected for them to look down on him for daring to sue his own firehouse and thought they would be looking at him like he was a traitor. But they hadn't. They seemed to understand why he had reacted the way he had and it only seemed to further make the 118's treatment of him worse. But the 116 crew were ready to take him right then and there. It was nice to be surrounded by people who actually seemed to like him.

“So what do you think?” Brian asked as they returned to the loft area and sat down at the table with cups of coffee in front of them.

“I think it's great.” Buck still was amazed by everything he had seen and encountered in just half an hour. Seeing his possible new workplace, meeting the people he could potentially work with , it was nice and kind of overwhelming at the same time. “Everyone here is great.”

“I told you it would be fine.” Brian said, raising his eyebrows in triumph as he sat back in his chair. “I knew they would love you.”

“I think it's a little early to say that.” Buck laughed, looking over barrier to the open bay below, trying to picture himself running around down there with the rest of them. He turned to look at Brian. “And again, I haven't agreed to anything.”

“Do you think you will?” Brian wasn't pushy but he was curious and Buck wished he could give him a straight forward answer but it wasn't that simple.

“I don't know.” Buck said, taking a sip of his coffee. It should be simple. The 118 had treated him like crap for months and were only now putting in a halfhearted effort to win him over. But the 116 knew about his history and had still patted him on the back and brought him into their home. So why couldn't he bring himself to just agree to the job? “I have to think about it. It's a big decision.”

“What's a big decision?” A loud voice called across the space to them and both Buck and Brian turned to see an older man with short brown hair coming at them. Judging by the way he walked with authority in his step, Buck was guessing he was the captain. The man came to a stop in front of them and introduced himself before Brian could open his mouth. “William Peterson, I'm the captain of this house.”

“This is Evan Buckley, my old friend from training.” Brian told him as the captain grasped Buck's hand in a firm shake. “He's the one I recommended for the temporary position.”

“Ah yes, he speaks very highly of you.” William said, taking a seat the table with them. “He thinks you would be a good fit here with us.”

“You have a great crew and it's really an honor that you thought of me...”

“But..?”

“It's not so easy to just up and leave my current station.” Buck replied, hating how pathetic it sounded to his own ears. “I'm sure Brian has explained it all.”

“He said you were having some trouble adjusting back into things over there.” William confirmed, pressing his lips into a tight line. “But he also mentioned your team and captain weren't exactly doing their part to move past what happened.”

“I hurt them with the lawsuit and I've been trying to make it up to them.”

“That's no excuse for them to treat a fellow firefighter the way they had.” William and Brian shared a look and what seemed like a whole conversation passed between them without either saying a word. William looked at Buck again. “You made a mistake that you regretted, you took the punishment, you asked for forgiveness. If they are holding on to that anger and letting it bleed over while at work, then they are being unprofessional and cruel. And I have no patience for that.”

“Yea I came to that conclusion just recently myself.” Buck agreed, slightly pleased that he was being understood. “But we worked together well for years before all this happened. So I suppose that's what is making it hard.”

“In our line of work, we tend to love each other like family because of the job. And that means allowing each other to make mistakes and learning to move past it. ” The older man said with a small smile. “But sometimes we need a break from our family.”

“It's why I'm thinking it over.” Buck admitted, he could at least be honest about that.

“Well, whatever you decide make sure it's what you want. Don't let anyone make that decision for you.” William said, standing up and reaching into his back pocket so he could hand something to Buck. “This is just to let you know that we will treat you like our own if you come here.”

It was a name plate. His full name, Evan Buckley engraved on a black background in stark white letters. Buck was surprised. He hadn't even come close to deciding what he wanted to do and the captain had already made a gesture to welcome him. If he had been alone, he would have cried..

“Why would you go through the trouble of getting a name plate made for me when I haven't accepted the job and even if I did, it would be for a few weeks only?”

“Cap does that for every potential new recruit.” Brian said, smiling as he finished his coffee. “He's a big softie.”

“This big softie can put you on cleaning duty all weekend if you don't close that mouth.” William said sternly but there was a look of fondness in his eyes as he looked at Brian and for a few seconds, Buck remembered how Bobby use to look at him like that. He turned back to Buck.“You need to know that we are serious about you being here, no matter how long or if you come here. I'm not going to put a piece of tape over your locker to show it's yours. You're a possible coworker, so you get a nameplate...”

The alarm started blaring and the sound of pounding feet immediately started joining the noise as the crew got ready in the bay below. William and Brian were out of their seats in a flash, both flashing looks of apologies before Buck waved them off, he would talk to Brian later. Both men raced down the stairs, taking the steps two at a time before reaching the concrete floor and rushing towards the firetrucks. He watched as they pulled on their gear and climbed up into the truck before speeding out the open doors as he remained on the landing with his hands at his side. He felt the plastic of the name plate digging into his palm as he wrapped his fingers tightly around it. It was real, a physical reminder of a path he could take if he had the guts to do it.

**

2 days later Buck was sitting with his sister inside her place having lunch while he told her all about his visit to the 116 and meeting Brian's crew. To say that Maddie had been a little shocked when he told her he had gone on the tour would be an understatement but she quickly hid it and listened as he told her how it all ended and how he was still trying to figure out if this was even something that he wanted to do. She was quiet when he finished talking and only moved to take a sip of water, her eyes wandering around the room and if he was being honest, Buck was doing it too. He didn't know what else to say so he just didn't say anything.

“So you're considering it?” Maddie finally asked, meeting his eyes across the table.

“I guess I am.” He admitted, pressing his lips together. Why couldn't he just decide right then and there? Why did this have to be so hard?

“Do you feel like you're leaning a certain way?” She asked, looking at him with that same protective expression she had been using on him for weeks now.

“I'm so torn that I don't even know that.” Buck said, rubbing a hand down his face. “I just know that it's a possibility.”

“Well it's a big decision, so it's not so surprising that you're having trouble trying to figure it out.” Maddie smiled, reaching out to pat his arm before sitting back looking more serious. “Can I give you my opinion?”

“Can you just tell me what to do?” Buck asked, wishing someone could make this decision for him. Maddie laughed and shook her head.

“No, I won't do that. But I will tell you what I think and maybe that will help.” She said, drumming her fingers on the table. “I think it's good thing that you are offered this opportunity. It's kind of the perfect solution when you think about it.”

“Yea?”

“Yea, I mean you get to still be a firefighter, which you haven't really felt like you were for months. You get to work with an old friend and a new crew whom you seem to like and who like you back. You don't have to go through the hassle of packing up your apartment and moving. It's only for a few weeks and then you get to come back to your job at the 118. But more importantly it gets you a break from everyone. On paper, the decision seems pretty easy.”

“But...” Buck motioned for her to go on but she just looked at him.

“You tell me.” She tilted her head at him knowingly. “What's holding you back?”

“I don't know.” Buck said, standing up and started walking back and forth across the dining room while his sister stayed seated. “I just feel like I have so many ties here and I can't seem to break free of them.”

“I get it, you've been with the 118 for years. I'd be shocked if you were having trouble thinking about leaving without them in mind.” Maddie frowned when she spoke of the firehouse, looking like she wanted to jump up and pace with him but she didn't. “But the last few months..”

“Yea they treated me horribly. But before that? We had good years together, we were a family and even though these past couple of months have been hard, they don't cancel out the good times.” Buck clenched his fists tightly, hating that he couldn't step out from this dark cloud that had been hanging over him for so long. “I feel like it I leave now, all the effort and time I put into those relationships will have been a waste.”

“Then what is the other option? You stay right where you are and things continue the way they have been?” Maddie asked, crossing her arms. “You can't do that or you'll be stuck. You're not in a place right now where you are ready to let them try and make it up to you and frankly they don't deserve that opportunity. You need time and maybe space. And I think leaving for a while is good for you.”

“Really?”

“I won't lie. I don't like that you will be somewhere else and us spending time together won't be like it use to be because you won't be at your apartment as much. But it's not like you are moving to another state. You'll still be in LA and again, it's only for a few weeks. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.”

“So you think I should do it?”

“I think if it makes you happy then yes. But I will support whatever you decide to do.”

“I just don't know.” Buck sat back down, his chin in his hand, contemplating how it was all going to end up.

“You'll figure it out. You always have.”

**

The next day, Buck left the locker room and began the climb upstairs to the loft are where the others were eating lunch. He hadn't really stepped foot up here since that day a few weeks ago and he hadn't really planned on doing it today. But after his talk with Maddie yesterday and spending some time thinking about it. He knew he had to do something to get things moving. No matter what he decided to do, he felt like he at least needed to let the team know what was going on. It was the professional thing to do. It was one thing to start the paperwork progress, but they should at least hear it from him that he was thinking about leaving. He climbed the last steps and stood there for a moment just watching them and then he stepped forward.

“Hey.” He called out, his voice causing them all to whip their heads around to look at him in shock. It had been a long time since he had tried to be the first one to speak to them and even longer since he tried to approach them at the family table. And even though he wanted to shrink back, he forced himself to keep moving until he he took the empty chair at one end of the table. “We need to talk.”

“Yea, I think we do.” Bobby said, nodding in agreement already making the move to stand up and head down to his office. “Should we...”

“No I have something to say to all of you and I'd rather get it out now before I change my mind.” Buck cut in, surprising Bobby since it was very rare that Buck interrupting anybody, especially him. But these were not normal times. “It's something that will affect us all if I decide to go through with it.”

“What is it?” Eddie asked, turning his eyes on Buck,looking worried. “Are you sick?”

“No I'm not sick.” Buck replied, breaking the gaze he shared with Eddie and instead looked around at all of them. “I got a phone call a few weeks ago from an old friend from training.”

“Ok..” Hen said, her voice gentle like she was trying not to scare him from continuing on.

“He works over at the 116. He actually invited me to come look at the place.”

“Why would he do that?” Eddie asked with a frown, looking like he was already starting to get mad. 

“Because his station is in the process of hiring more firefighters and they already have recruits lined up but they need someone temporary to fill in. So he called me and offered me the position.” Buck said, his words running together so fast that they almost blurred into one long line of gibberish but he knew they all understood what he was saying because almost at the same time there was a drop in all there expressions like they had been slapped hard by what he dropped on them. “It would only be for a few weeks...”

“So you're leaving?” Eddie interrupted , his voice sounding steady but Buck knew him so well that he could tell Eddie was practically boiling under the surface. “You're just giving up.”

“First of all, I didn't say I was leaving. I said I was offered job at another firehouse for a few weeks.” Buck snapped, his eyes narrowing as he brought them back to Eddie. What gave him the right to be mad about this? “And second, I haven't made a decision yet.”

“But you're thinking about it.” Bobby said, more as a statement then a question and Buck nodded and the captain sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “Come on kid..”

“Buck you can't be seriously thinking about leaving the 118.” Chim spoke up, leaning forward so they were eye to eye. “I know things have been tough around here, but running away is not going to solve anything.”

“I'm not running away from anything.” Buck shot back, a flicker of anger coming over him. “I tried for months to get things back to the way they use to be and you all kept pushing me away. You only started changing that because I had given up. Well it may be too late for that. I'm tired of trying to make things better.”

“Come on Buck, this isn't the answer.” Hen told him, trying to remain calm but he could see in her eyes that she was hurt by the possibility of him leaving even if things had been broken between them all for months. “How are we going to fix things if you're not here?”

“I haven't decided anything!” He snapped, fighting the urge to throw his hands up in the air out of frustration. “And it would only be for a little while. I just wanted to let you know that this was on the cards as a possibility.”

“Well at least you gave us a heads up this time, unlike with the lawsuit.” Eddie hissed, slamming down his fist on the tabletop, startling the others. There was such a look of anger in his eyes that Buck was surprised he hadn't burned a hole through him with that heat. A part of him knew Eddie's anger came from a lot of things being left unspoken between, not just about the lawsuit but with them as partners. Buck had wanted to finally stop this back and forth between them and finally talk about it but Eddie had not been interested in any discussion, much less about them. He was too caught up in feeling betrayed and angry and not being able to let it go. But now being presented with the possibility of Buck not being there anymore, Eddie was letting go, but not in a good way. “Maybe you're not as much of a brat as we all thought.”

“Jesus Christ Eddie.” Chim shook his head, gripping his hair with both hands.

“And why shouldn't I say it? He's not getting his way so now he's thinking about fucking off to somewhere else.” Eddie met Buck's eyes again, this time in a challenge but Buck was not going to take the bait. He knew Eddie was looking for a fight of any kind but he was not going to give it to him. At one point it might have been an option, but Buck was far past that point of even trying. “Can't you just stay here and work on it with us instead of running off?”

“You're still not listening.” Buck pointed out, getting up from his chair, knowing that this was never going to go well no matter how he phrased it. “And if you don't understand why I am thinking about accepting this job, then you still don't understand me at all.”

The others looked like they wanted to jump in but at that moment the alarms went off and they had to rush down to the firetruck, any hold they had on the conversation was cut short and pushed to the side as they headed out. Buck sat beside them in the truck but no one could bring themselves to say anything, so it was mostly silent. He stared out the window and wondered if things were ever going to feel ok again.

**

The next day

“Buck! Over here!” 

Buck looked to his left upon entering the small restaurant and smiled when he spotted Carla sitting alone at a table near the back window. He had called her this morning wanting to meet up tonight and he had been lucky that she was free. He was nervous about seeing her, knowing where this conversation was going to go but he needed to have it. He waved at her slightly before making his way between the tables to get to her, a smile on his face for the first time since his talk with the team yesterday. He put that out of his mind as he reached Carla and pulled her close to him for a tight hug.

“Hey, thanks for meeting me here.” He said, letting her go and motioned for her to sit and taking the seat across from her. “I know it was probably very random.”

“Well you said you would pay for dinner.” Carla replied with a smile, her fond expression already putting him at ease. “I'm never one to turn down a free meal.”

“Well it's only fair, since I needed to bounce something off of you.” Buck said, reaching for the glass of water near his napkin and taking a sip. “I wanted to talk to you about something. Something that could potentially be big.”

“Are you finally going to ask Eddie out?” She asked, her eyes brightening and looking suddenly excited, enough that she appeared to be seconds away from bouncing out of her chair. “Is that it?”

“Sorry, that's not it.” Buck felt his stomach sink in disappointment as he pushed that thought from the forefront of his mind. If it had been any other time, then he would have gladly analyzed what he wanted to when it came to his feelings for Eddie. But his feelings for Eddie were too tangled with his emotions about the 118 and he just didn't have it in him to sort through it all. He shrugged at Carla. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“You boys are going to drive me crazy with this back and forth you've been doing.” Carla shook her head and leaned forward, folding her hands together. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“I got offered another job.” Buck began and before he could stop himself, he was spilling to Carla the whole brunt of everything that had been going on these last few months. The team's treatment of him. The feeling of being ignored and ostracized. The loss of hope he felt that day and how the others had tried to clumsily fix what was broken. And then about the call from Brian and his tour of the 116 firehouse and the offer that could be his. “It would be a temporary position. Just until the new recruits arrived and then I would be back at the 118.”

“Oh wow, that's a lot to take in.” Carla was taken aback but she reached out and touched his hand gently. “First off how are you doing?”

“I'm ok. Anxious but ok.” He assured her with a smile. “I'm just trying to make sense of everything and it hasn't exactly been easy.”

“Of course it hasn't. I have half a mind to call up Eddie right now and yell at him for treating you the way he has been.” Carla said, disappointment filling her face. Buck couldn't remember the last time he ever saw anything other than a happy expression on her face so to see her like this now was strange. She went from being completely in Eddie's corner to wanting to yell at him. “But I have the feeling there has been too much heaviness in this whole thing already.”

“Yea, I wanted to give the team a head's up that it might happen and they didn't take it well.” Buck grimaced at the memory of the fallen looks on everyone's faces. “I told them that I hadn't made up my mind yet, that I just wanted them to know if I decided to go and they were upset. Especially Eddie.”

“He lashes out when he's hurting so I'm not entirely surprised.” Carla sighed, running her finger across the tablecloth. “He reacts and then then thinks. It's not a good way to deal with things.”

“I tried to be understanding, but...”

“Honey you don't have to make excuses for him or any of them. This is not about them anymore.” Carla said, looking like she wanted to hug him. “This is about what you need to do. For yourself.”

“I know, I'm just finding it hard to do that's all. I'm torn about what I want to do. ” He admitted with a small smile. “That's why I called you, I knew you would listen and be on my side.”

“I'm always on your side. You're a good guy.” She smiled back, squeezing his hand tightly. “But I have a feeling telling me about this possible new job isn't exact what this dinner was suppose to be about.”

“See? You've always been able to read me so well.” He laughed, feeling the weight in his heart lessened the longer he talked with her. “No, the thing I actually wanted to talk about is Chris.”

“What about him.?”

“Well if I leave, even though I wouldn't have to move apartments, I still wouldn't be there as often as I use to be and I would want to make sure that I keep in touch in with him in some way. I wouldn't want him to feel abandoned or anything.” Buck said in a rush, getting it all out before he over thought it. “I just don't want to have to go through Eddie when I want to talk to Chris that's all. I need to lessen contact with Eddie right now but I don't want that to affect Chris.”

“I totally get it.” 

“So I figured that when I leave, we can set up a time to talk on the phone or face time and....” Buck trailed off when he noticed the sudden drop in Carla's expression and a look of sadness drifted into her eyes. “Carla what is it?”

“You said when.”

“Huh?” Buck tilted his head in confusion.

“You said when you leave, not if you leave. From the moment you told me that this was a possibility, you always used if. And now you said when. Like you just made your choice.” Carla explained and Buck realized with a start that she was right. He hadn't even realized that he was going to say it and now that he had, it occurred to him that this was always going to be the way things went, he had just been too scared to actually see it. He was going to to do it, he was going to leave. The thought of leaving his life behind, no matter how temporary filled his stomach with apprehension and fear. But also, he felt relief. Like he was finally able to breathe for the first time after being held under water for so long. Carla must have seen it on his face because she said. “I'm right aren't I? You're going to leave.”

“Yea I am.” Buck said quietly and looked at her sadly. “It's only a few weeks, but I'm going.”

“So I guess we have a lot to talk about then.” Carla sighed heavily and motioned for the waitress to come over. “But I think we need a few drinks.”

**

Buck had barely entered his apartment and locked the door behind him, prepared to head upstairs to the shower when there was an urgent knock at the door. He felt his shoulders sag at the thought of having to interact with anyone after his dinner with Carla, this was the last thing he wanted to deal with. He wanted to shower and fall into bed and rest now that he had made his decision but he couldn't do it. He fought back a groan as he turned around and flicked the lock open and turned the handle. He was expecting his sister, perhaps even Hen. What he wasn't expecting to see was Eddie standing outside his door, looking tense but determined.

“We need to talk.” Eddie said and walked past him into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. Buck inwardly groaned but kept this face neutral as he shut the door again and turned to face his friend. Eddie was standing near the island staring at him intently and just when Buck was about to open his mouth, Eddie spoke again. “I don't want you to take that job.”

“That's not up to you.” Buck replied, dropping his keys and wallet on the table. It made him nervous that Eddie was here. Not that he thought Eddie would violently react once he knew the truth, but that he would react in a way that Buck couldn't see coming and wasn't sure what it was. “I don't really think we should be talking about this now.”

“Well I do, we never finished talking after you told us about the job...”

“You mean after you basically called me a whiny brat because I didn't want to put up with your bullshit treatment of me after dealing with it for over two months?” Buck said sarcastically but the words hurt saying them. And he could see they hurt Eddie too. “I tried ok? I tried to hold on and deal with it and I don't want to do it any more. I need a break. What else is there to talk about?”

“Look I'm sorry about that, I was angry. You kind of took us by surprise.” Eddie said, breathing slowly like he was trying to keep himself from going off. “I just thought that when you finally spoke to us again, it would be to let us make it up to you. But then you just drop the bomb that you're thinking about leaving.”

“It's not permanent.” He reminded him, looking down at the floor and wishing they weren't having this conversation. “It would only be a few weeks.”

“I know that. But I feel like you working somewhere else even short term is just going to put more distance between us.” Eddie replied, looking frantic. “Hen was right. How are we going to fix things if you're pushing us away?”

“You guys did that first.”

“And we're trying to make up for that but you won't let us!”

“Well it's too late.” Buck said, causing Eddie's head to snap up and his eyes to meet Buck's. “I already decided to take the job.”

“What?” Eddie's eyes widened in panic. “You can't.”

“Yes I can, this decision isn't about you or Bobby or what is best for all of you. It's what is best for me. I need this.” Buck told him, fighting back the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. He hated this, he hated it so much. Hated that it had come to this point, hated that he wasn't strong enough to stick it out a little longer. They all had so much history between them. And him and Eddie, they had always been dancing at the edge of being something more then just friends. And Buck wished beyond anything that he could stay and let them attempt to make it up to him, wished that he could stay if only to see how things changed between him and Eddie. But it wasn't that simple. He wanted his old life back so much but he refused to be a punching bag for Eddie to take his frustrations out on. He just wasn't ready to give in yet. “I'm going to call Brian and tell him I accepted the offer.”

“Buck please.” Eddie turned away, his fists clenched before he whipped back around. “What about Christopher? Are you really going to abandon him again?”

“Real nice Eddie.” Buck said, remaining calm even though he had a strong urge to throw something against the wall. “I'll keep in touch with Chris, he won't be left wondering like last time. I'll make sure of it.”

“You'll make an effort for him but not for us?” Eddie snapped, looking desperate and torn.

“There is no us Eddie. Not right now.” Buck struggled to get the words out as heat grew in his face and he hoped to god that Eddie couldn't see him blushing. It was the closest they had come to acknowledging this thing that had grown between them over the past few years, and it would be so easy to just lean into that and sweep everything else under the rug but he couldn't do it. He wouldn't do it. “It's a couple of weeks Eddie. They'll go by in a flash and then I will be back. Maybe then we can fix things. But not right now.”

“I don't care that it is only a few weeks. I don't want you to go.” Eddie stepped closer to him and Buck stepped back but Eddie didn't stop moving. “Just...stay.”

“No.” Buck shook his head and walked towards the door. “I think you should go.”

“Buck, come on.” Eddie pleaded, looking frantic again but Buck shook his head again.

“Just leave. There's nothing else to say.” Buck stared at his friend, hating that he had to send him away but knowing it was for the best. Eddie looked like he was going to listen, heading towards the door but just as he was only few inches from passing Buck, he stopped.

“Buck..” Eddie could only manage to say his name before placing his his hands on either side of Buck's face and kissing him. Buck felt his heart jump the second their mouths met and he he found his back pressed his front door as Eddie kissed him. He should have pushed him away, but he didn't. He kissed Eddie back, kissed him hard and long. Eddie's mouth caught his bottom lip tightly and sucked on it, causing Buck to stifle a moan as he ran his hands over Eddie's back and even getting brave enough to push his hands under Eddie's shirt to feel his skin. He had dreamed of this moment fantasized about it in every way but nothing was better than how it was happening now. Eddie's tongue tracing the seam of his lips, his hands holding Buck's face in place like he was a delicate piece of glass while his body pressed into Buck's so hard that Buck could feel everything. He came crashing back down into his body and turned his head away, breaking the kiss. Eddie was breathing heavily, leaning his forehead against Buck's with his eyes closed. “Don't go, don't leave me. We'll figure it out. But you have to stay.”

Eddie kissed him again, igniting that fire in Buck's stomach that stirred something much lower than that. Buck touched him again, running his hands up Eddie's arms and feeling the hard muscles of his biceps moving and the heat grew stronger. He had waited so long for him and Eddie to be together like this, always trying to work up the nerve to take it further and never quite getting there. And now they were here and Buck wants it, he wants it so bad. And he may very well regret what he is about to do, but he does it anyway. As soon as Eddie's lips start drifting down to his throat, Buck brought his hands up to Eddie's shoulders and pushes his just far enough away so Buck could slip out from his grasp.

“No, not like this.” Buck said quietly, looking at Eddie with his messed up hair and kiss swollen lips and for just a second, he wanted to take it all back. But he made himself reach for the handle and open the door. “You need to leave. I'll see you in a few weeks.”

“Buck...” Eddie said, trying to step closer but Buck shook his head and motioned for him to leave. Eddie nodded and headed out the door, turning around once to meet his eyes. “I guess this is it.”

“Goodbye Eddie.” Buck said, closing the door before he had a chance to take it back and stood there in staring at the back of the door as the silence of his apartment pressed in on him. He listened as Eddie shuffled his feet out in the hallway like he too was hoping Buck would change his mind. But eventually Eddie seemed to accept defeat and left, the door to the elevator down the hall opening with a chime and then closing again. Once Buck was certain that Eddie wouldn't be coming back, he pulled his phone out of his back pocket and dialed a number, waiting for the other end to pick up. When a happy voice greeted him, Buck took a deep breath. There was no turning back now.

“Hey Brian, looks like we need to get started on that paperwork. I'm coming to the 116.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented on this fic. I'm so thrilled that so many of you were moved by it. It means the world to me that it was enjoyed as much as it was. 
> 
> For now, this is the end. But I do have a few outlines going for at least 2 more installments in this series. So you will definitely be seeing Buck's journey continue.
> 
> I will be posting more 911 fics, most likely a fic involving Josh is next.
> 
> If you want to keep up to date on my fics and get sneak peeks, my tumblr profile is thegreatgherkin87
> 
> thanks again for reading. You guys are the best

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I have written fanfic in about 6 years. This is not the best it could be since I am extremely rusty, but I’m hoping to get better at it again and return to fandom writing more often
> 
> I haven’t decided if I will add more to this fic. It was always written with the intention of being a standalone. But if something hits me that makes sense then I will absolutely add to it


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